How una dey? it’s me again, the writer of the
block busters: “Barrack boy’, “Ibo boy wey like
Yoruba”, and “Man wey dey reason”. Am here
with yet another block buster titled “Flow and
“SIr, i delivered 28 parcels in Sululere Axis” I
pronounced Surulere like a typical Igbo man.
“where and where did you go to in Surulere” Mr
Wole my Boss inquired.
“i went to Surulere Sir” I barely heard his
“so u walked the whole of Surulere?
ehmmmmmnnn? Mr Johnny Walker!”
Johnny Walker walked for sure, but Flow
covered more distance. in my line of Job, i
sometimes wished i could fly.
“i said where did you go to in Surulere” He
” I said i went to Surulere sir” I answered
“He said where in Surulere did you go to?” The
female voice of Kel brought me back to my
right senses. My head at that moment was
blocked, like i was carrying a fifteen storey
building on it. My big head was growing bigger,
i was seeing beautiful stars, big beautiful stars!
“Sorry ooooh!!! i went to. Lawanson, Randle,
Ojuelegba, Ayilara, Shitta and Masha” i
Mr Wole pressed the calculator for what lasted
“my money is 2,800 naira sir” i almost yelled,
but i dare not.
“oga the money wey una dey give us too small
oh” i almost complained, but again, i dare not
say that to the dreaded Mr Wole.
We were being paid 100 naira per parcel
delivered. When parcel is mentioned, i don’t
mean a “coco” parcel, as i could remember a
rather lunatic man accusing me of delivering
C’ocaine to people’s houses. On that fateful, or
rather unfateful day, i knocked on a gate and
this sk’unk smelling mouth guy came from
nowhere and, his words: “them swear for your
Papa, why you dey disturb my peace”.
“you be like person wey get peace?? No be only
Peace, na Patience” I replied almost
“ehnnnnnnn! na me you dey talk to, them swear
for you!” I wondered why people from the
Yoruba tribe loved using the word “swear”
“no!! them no swear for me, na your Papa them
swear for” I was rather hash.
“ehnnnnn!!! you get mouth curse my papa abi?
u don die today” He suddenly started rehearsing
a punch that befitted me.
I took of my work bag and started drifting
towards him. But the moment i saw him pulling
out something from his pocket, i saw myself
taking one step forward and two steps
“wetin you dey comot for your pocket? na
knife?” I saw myself increasing the steps
backwards to three.
“if them born your papa well come near me, i
go chuk you” He threatened as he brought out
the dagger in his pocket.
“i go chuk you Chukudi” I wondered how he
knew my name was Chukwudi, My Grandmum
must have told him that, she love calling me
“i go chuk you Omo Ibo” He came closer.
Before i could say “Boko haram”, He had sliced
my wrist, yes! he had sliced my wrist like Boko
“see blood oh” I cried.
As blood gushed out of my wrist, so was urine
gushing out of my P’.enis, and sweat out of my
whole body. He was advancing towards me,
and at that juncture my hands failed me to a
punch, likewise my legs to a kick.
“na you dey sell illegal coco abi” He was now at
“i no dey sell Coconut oh” I thought he said
“you don buy market today” The dagger was
close to my throat.
Closer and closer it came to my throat, and
backwards and backwards i moved and cried, “i
no go market oh”. it was like i was under a
spell, or like my brain left me and flew away.
I remembered i was a martial artist, and
strength came from nowhere. I sent a jab to his
jaw and he staggered backwards.
“first attack!!” i cheered myself.
Like bee to nectar i saw Four hefty guys
advancing. “u don die today!” one of them
thundered. More strength came from the
cardinal points of where i stood and i started
swaying from left to right with my guard on like
i was the son of Mike Tyson. i jabbed the guy
with the dagger again, this time to his abdomen,
the dagger flew off his hands and i almost
Before i could say “Damaturu”, something
landed on my head from the west. It was a
plank, i was sure.
Before i could say “Taraba”, something landed
on my heed from the east. It was an iron r’od, i
Before i could say “Poshiskum” something
landed on my head from the South. It was a
Plank again. i wished the next wouldn’t be an
iron r’od to the North to complete the circle.
To be continued